It’s been almost a week since the viral tweet (opens in new tab) showing off those coffin office chairs took off and ignited the imaginations of the chronically online. Those perfectly angular shapes, wood crafted exteriors, and most importantly undead vibes have me craving the coffice chair of my dreams, and the internet is letting me down.
The appeal of a coffice chair goes far beyond just mere aesthetics, it’s about nailing a mood. Nothing quite says trapped in the office like a chair shaped like a coffin. The perfect throne for a Zoom call to let everyone know just how your Monday is going. Or maybe you were sent a malicious GIF through Team (opens in new tab)s and are just pre-empting the inevitable.
Let’s ramp up the dramatic flair and visualise with me for a second. You’re in your office, back turned to the door leaning into the lining of your, hopefully much more comfortable than it looks, chair. Someone enters, so you perform the dramatic swivel offered by the office portion of the chair and face them. There you are, a scowl in the darkness of your coffin. If you do it right they might just even leave without asking you for anything. Another point for the coffice chair.
With its internet fame and endless possibilities, it’s pretty clear that the coffin chair is a win, at least conceptually. What’s impossibly clear is that gaming companies have been wasting their time with race car chairs for far too long. To help with the pivot, I have some suggestions for the first one to take the coffice chair of my dreams and turn it into reality.
As we’ve established, those viral images are just renders but boy do they look uncomfortable enough to give you rigor mortis. These are your bargain bin looking chipboard coffins for cremation. Great for purpose, but this warmed up corpse likes a bit more comfort at their PC. Lets get that plush high end vampire inlay with lumbar support, and a head pillow. Bring it inline with something like Razer’s Iskur (opens in new tab). After all, we’re still the living dead, for now.
Handles for pallbearers are visible on the sides of the chair, which is another great win for coffin relatability, but let’s tweak that for gamers. Plush those handles out a bit and give me some arm wrests, maybe a drink holder. The top ones look like they could make great headset stands. Plus that outer housing looks prime for some RGB lighting inlay, like the Vertagear SL5000 (opens in new tab), which could double as emergency lights in the occurrence of a slightly too early burial event.
Babe wake up, new goth gamer chair just dropped pic.twitter.com/OiMO7JbhheSeptember 7, 2022
Lastly, I want to see this thing move. The boxed design makes for a completely enclosed chair, which is just begging to recline. A coffin shaped chair that reclines for full desk zombie mode is a dream chair almost worth dying for. Many gaming chairs can already go full horizontal mode so it doesn’t seem too much to ask, especially when it just makes so much sense.
So please, gaming chair companies, stop trying to put me in the hot seat when what I really want is the long dead cold one. Ditch all that racing flair and stripes, and give us a chair full of plush entropy. It’s what the people want.
