Putting tons of crap in the foreground was a brave design decision. Brave like headbutting a wasp nest. <\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>Yes, it is a sidescrolling beat-em-up! Would you care for a keyboard, or a gamepad?<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Fate, and my coin will decide. Scratched side. Keyboard.<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>I am not entirely shocked.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>Oh, but you shall be, Batman! Let the torture commence.<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>Just tell me it’s not by LJN.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>What? No! God no, of course not. We’re not complete <\/em>monsters.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>It’s from Acclaim.<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>Ugh. And my parents dying just became the third worst thing to happen to me.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Including that time Bane snapped your back like a twig?<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>Good point. Fourth.<\/p>\n\n\n
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That ripping sound you can hear is every muscle in Batman’s leg. <\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>I will take it as a personal insult if the Batman is defeated by some guy named Phil.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>Tell me, Batman. Why did you not play as Robin?<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>I’m Batman.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>I know, but why did you not play as Robin?<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>I’m Batman.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>I know, but why did you not play as Robin?<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>I’m Batman.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>I know, but why did you\u2014<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>The next person to speak gets the other’s testicles shoved down their throat.<\/p>\n\n\n
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‘Well,’ thought Batman, ‘This is awkward’. <\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>Feeling a little uncreative today, are we, Crappy Crusader? Batman! Batman! Does whatever a Spider-Man can! Only not as well, obviously. And Utility Belt or not, don’t think I didn’t notice your grappling hook coming out of your Bat Crotch.<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>It’s harder than it looks.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>That’s what she\u2014 No. No, too easy. Too easy by half!<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>The controls of this game are beyond terrible, and not Batman Beyond, because that was quite a good show even after being renamed Batman of the Future by idiots somewhere. I can shoot my grapple to the top left and upper right, but not straight up through the… wait a minute, since when did Arkham Asylum have giant holes in its floors instead of stairs?<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Please. If Arkham wasn’t full of holes, it wouldn’t be Arkham.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>Assholes<\/em>, mostly. And a point goes to Riddler.<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>I don’t understand. I press the grappling hook button, but it doesn’t stick to anything. Or if it does, it’s the side of a hole, and I just keep swinging from it. Fine. You win, Riddler. You’ve wanted to prove you were smarter than me all these years, here’s your chance. How does the grappling hook work?<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>Hahaha! Oh, Defective, I would never make things so easy. In fact, I shall taunt you with your own pitiful ignorance! Behold, my most soul-destroying riddle of ALL TIME!<\/p>\n\n\n
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To beat the game, don’t play it more. Just reach for salvation; Alt-F4. <\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>You don’t know, do you?<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>Uh-huh, no clues! Sugar? Have you seen the manual? Just for Bats, of course.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>This article’s budget isn’t high enough for a Drew Barrymore cameo.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>But… but she was in Beverly Hills Chihuahua!<\/em><\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>Found it. You have to press the grappling hook and then immediately press up, despite that being only slightly less inconvenient than having to slam yourself in the balls with a hammer.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>Seriously? That’s really dumb… as I knew all along, of course!<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>Of course you did.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Don’t look at me. I wanted to do a villain team-up with King Tut.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>I heard he’s rolling in it these days. What’s he been running?<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Pyramid scheme.<\/p>\n\n\n
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The inmates come in two-by-two, hurrah, hurrah. It’s Noah’s Arkham Asylum. <\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Batman, I have two personalities, and both of them are bored with you. <\/em>WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG FOR YOU TO BEAT PEOPLE UP? THIS IS WHAT YOU DO! <\/em>IT’S YOUR THING!<\/em><\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>And what’s with the jiggling around and rapid-punches like you’re in Mortal Kombat?<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>This is <\/em>Mortal Kombat, only without fatalities! Punches, uppercuts, everything. They’ve given me six buttons worth of moves, and normally, I would approve. But they’ve also given regular mooks big health bars, so Bat-fighting still takes forever even when Bat-delivering Bat-punches.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Has anyone ever told you not everything you do, say, or make needs to be Bat-branded? We know who you are. And this is the guy who gets tailored suits to match his scar telling you this.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>How does a developer spend so much time on controls, and yet suck so hard at the basics of getting from one level to another with a grappling hook?<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>I\u2014<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>That wasn’t a riddle. I was just agreeing it was stupid.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>My second thoughts are having second thoughts about our plan, Riddler. How long is this terrible game? I can’t be here all night, I have two crimes to pull off before dawn. Appearances, you know.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>Eight levels, it says here. From Arkham Asylum to the Batcave to the Gotham sewers.<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>Sewer levels. My god.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>All the way to a final boss fight with me, in which I’m a steroid-pumped monster for a while. That sounds good. I don’t usually get to be a badass, or even remembered as anything other than “And Riddler was there too.” I’ll play a tape of it so Brucie here can see the horrors he has to look forward to.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Wait, what did you just say?<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>Batman. I said Batman, obviously.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>How far did we get?<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>…seven minutes. Wow, that was boring.<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>I expect the ending is good. The part where both of you are defeated. By me.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>Bet you it’s just a text scroll.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Enough! Riddler, remove the game! Eat the game!<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>What?<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>This was your imbecilic plan! EAT THE GAME!<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>Well, thank you gentlemen. I particularly enjoyed the part where Nigma here gave himself an accidental tonsillectomy with a broken CD. However, if you have had your fun, I do believe it is time for me to escape, beat you up, and\u2014<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Not so fast, Batman! You forget who you are talking… two.<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>No, it’s pretty easy to remember. The clue is the two faces.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>No, see, I pronounced it with a ‘w’ in it. It was a pun. You’d have picked up on that, if I wrote it down rather than simply saying it.<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>But you didn’t.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>I thought you’d get the idea. Should I have made little quote marks in the air for you? It’s not like my schtick is complicated. Do you have to ask the Mad Hatter, “Hey, man, what’s with the hat?”<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>I got it first time!<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Shut up! <\/em>Honestly, that guy.<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>Tell me about it.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Anyway, as I was saying\u2014SURPRISE! Batman Forever: The Arcade Game!<\/p>\n\n\n
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You start outside a VCR store. For young readers, that’s what daddy watched the porn that helped make you on! <\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>Another side-scrolling beat-em-up. Of course.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>I’m sorry, what was that? I was distracted by the GIANT LOGO. And I’m the guy who put a big question mark in the clouds! <\/em>Feeling unrecognised, Batman? Or should I say Fatman? Dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner…<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>Never heard that one before. It’s important that criminal scum like you know who to fear.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Quite. We’d never know who the guy dressed as a bat was if not for the GIANT LOGO. That doesn’t actually look much like a bat, now I come to look at it properly.<\/p>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>Not very aerodynamic. Looks more like a splat on a windscreen.<\/p>\nTWO FACE: <\/strong>Splat-Man!<\/p>\nBATMAN: <\/strong>Also not original.<\/p>\n\n\n
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Martial Arts Tips for Men: Always hold your opponent up in prime ball-kicking positions. <\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\nRIDDLER: <\/strong>I think you’ve messed up, Harvey. This one looks much better than the last one. At least he’s able to kick and punch people… and by people, I mean ‘my goons’, so thanks for that. Thanks so much.<\/p>\n
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